Posts Tagged ‘dog’

I kicked a dog, and I liked it.

February 24, 2009

The other day, like many other days, Anna my dog brought me to the dog park. She pulled me on the skateboard, which is great because she knows the way, and I don’t have to kick, being that she has four feet that run really well. So we pull up to the dog park and immediately some  reincarnation of Cujo starts barking and snarling at me through the fence, as if I were to be torn apart and then left for dead. “No big deal” I thought. He’s behind the fence. I just won’t go in.

The dog’s owner, that crazy dog lady  who feels it her obligation to rescue every pound puppy on earth comes running up to the gate. Now, there’s a reason some dogs end up in dog jail. It’s because they fucking attack people. It’s because they’re mean as shit, because they were born into an abusive family, were beaten, or are just plain inbred. It’s sad to say, but it’s the damn truth. Not all dogs go to heaven, some are condemned to hell, and that’s just that. 

So this woman takes notice of the situation and says, “He’s a rescue, he doesn’t like skateboards.”

“Well” I ask, “Does he not like skateboards, or does he not like the people who ride skateboards?” “Or both?” “Because he seems pretty pissed off.”

“No, he’s fine. He loves people.” Famous last words.

At this point the woman is holding the dog back like a German police officer who’s about to release the hounds on one of those guys running away in fat suit. And then, that’s exactly what she does. She opens the gate and simply releases the dog which then races towards me and leaps through the air open jawed slashing at my throat. So I pull a Chuck Norris and perform a sort of ghetto looking roundhouse kick which lands squarely on the side of the dog. The dog screams, flying backwards to the ground. I then jump into a Kung Foo stance ready to go ape shit on it’s ass. This probably looked pretty stupid, but I was pretty damn scared, and it’s just what my body naturally did.

“HE’S A RESCUE!!!!!!!” “WHY DID YOU KICK MY DOG, HE’S A RESCUE!!!!”, She screamed and began sobbing.

“I don’t care if that mutt is related to Ghandi” He tried to attack me, and I’m not about to get bit by your stupid ass dog. At this point the dog was cowering, albeit  still growling at me in her arms. And my “Goldendoodle” Anna had long since run through the gate and into the dog park,  happily chasing a tennis ball. So, I began a walk of shame, through the gates, entering the park. I felt bad, sad, shaken, and still freaked out. There were several other dog owners in the park as well as one overly cute little girl in a sun dress. Mostly everyone tried to pretend they’d not seen what had just unfolded, but the tension was palpable. The woman quickly left the park with her dog, sobbing. No one said a word.

Just as I reached the furthest end of the park, the young girl approached me, the only person brave enough to address the situation. She stopped just a couple feet in front of me, and with her fists held down by her side she said, “YOU SHOULDN”T HAVE KICKED A DOG!” She then quickly turned and ran away.

Yep, I was that guy. The guy who kicked a dog. I tried to apologize, explaining that I acted out in fear, but the little girl was already half way across the park, her sun dress flapping in the wind. I threw the ball with Anna for a few minutes and then decided to leave. But of course I had to walk past everyone now once more. And just as I reached the gate to leave, the girl’s mother turned to me and said, “I’d have kicked that mother fucker too.”


Driving Miss Brenda

August 16, 2008

Today we enjoyed an amazing beach sunset, and taught Anna how to drive.

She’s got a pretty heavy foot, but seems to be adapting well to the lack of power steering in the 63′ Ford Falcon convertible.  Gabe, don’t worry, we added collision to the policy and she’s asked to be enrolled in drivers ed next week. We’ll also be cutting the hair around her eyes, as she kept saying, “I can’t see shit.”


Just Undo It

June 3, 2008

Last year I traveled to Romania and Transylvania to shoot a commercial for Glad Odor Shield trash bags. There was a castle involved, and an animatronic skunk, and an “English king” (actually a Romanian actor) who couldn’t speak English. The spot sucked. Maybe you remember seeing it and thinking, “Jesus, that sucked.” It did, and I apologize for wasting those :30 of your life. It wasn’t really my fault, or maybe it was, who knows. Whatever. The Romanian actor sucked.

During our down time in Bucharest we met a Swedish arms dealer, several prostitutes, and a chain smoking English gentleman who I’m sure was Hemingway’s doppelganger. People in Romania smoke a TON of cigarettes. And when they’re not smoking cigarettes, they’re burning all kinds of shit on the side of the road, in what I can only believe is an attempt to provide more aromatic smoke for everyone’s enjoyment. The effects of communism and the disdain for it can still be felt.

Our host for the trip was Anna a 6′ tall, sexy, Romanian, super-kind 29 year old. During a conversation about how she came into production, she said that before the fall of Communism, no one did anything.

“There were no jobs, we simply looked for food.” 

“What did you eat?”

“Nothing usually, we just looked for food. Some potato maybe.”

“What was the first thing you ate when Communism fell?”

“Pizza. I’ll never forget my first piece of pizza.”

The Romanian’s make an amazing pizza. I guess when you’ve been eating potatos for two hundred years, and then someone gives you a recipe and supplies to make pizza, you probably master that shit in a day.  So they stuck with that. Today, there’s still not much else to eat. I guess they figured pizza was good enough to go with for at least another 200 years. I’m pretty sure there are quite a few diabetic American children who would agree. Later Anna would tell me that she and her sister had thyroid disease from eating wild apples that were covered in radiation from the fallout of Chernobyl.

“The government didn’t tell us anything. We didn’t know any better.”

So her generation embraced the idea that their government and the idea of communism sucked.  The roots of democracy are evident in Bucharest’s beautiful street art. It would be great if America could “Just Undo It.”

Fed up with Communism? Bush got you down? tired of fighting the man? Throw your heart away in this handy blue container.

The stencil below is from Banksy, the most famous stencil artist in the world.

This guy fucked Lassie. I’m not sure what else there is to say.

Additional photos of this trip can be found here:

Tossed Salad

June 2, 2008

I asked my girlfriend Brenda if it would be “gay” to put a recipe up as a post. She said, “Only if you make it gay.”

So here I am on the couch drinking a glass of Cab, half-watching The Bachelor marathon, dressed like a metrosexual, with my goldendoodle Anna sitting nearby on the floor. Oh, and I just made a delicious salad.

Sounds pretty gay right?

I have nothing against gay people. A couple of my good friends are gay. Timmy, much love. Maybe I’m a gay guy who was born straight. I don’t know.  This salad came out of my gay side and I thought it worth sharing. I secretly want to be a chef but don’t like the idea of running a kitchen.

                                                Gay Salad

If you like beets, green beans, gorgonzola, red onions, jimica, and/or fresh spinach then you will enjoy the fuck out of this. And there’s a fresh ginger/soy/rice wine dressing that goes along with it.

For the salad:

Begin by baking six beets (stalks removed and washed) at 425 degrees for 45 minutes. Put them in a roasting pan with about half an inch of water for steaming, and cover the pan in foil. After done, set aside and let cool. Once cool, simply remove skins by rubbing with a bare hand under running water.

While the beets are baking, make the rest of the Gay Salad. Remove the stems from two bunches of spinach, wash, set aside on a platter. Steam two hand fulls of blue lake green beans, being careful not to over cook them. Peel a small sized jimica using a paring knife and slice into small stalks. Slice one half of a red onion thinly and combine with the jimica in a large bowl. Take the green beans and chop into quarters and place in bowl with the jimica and onion. Take the beets out of the oven to let cool. Make the dressing.

Dressing: Combine a 1/2 cup rice wine vinegar with a 1/2 cup virgin olive oil, two teaspoons of soy sauce, a pinch of salt, two pinches of ground black pepper, a tablespoon of water, a tablespoon of sugar and a touch of gay love. Skin, and thinly slice a generous portion of fresh ginger. Chop finely and add to dressing mixture. Let the dressing marinate. Peel the beets.

Once peeled, chop the beets into good sized pieces, throw in the bowl with everything else. Crumble a cup of gorgonzola cheese and throw into the bowl as well. Pour dressing into bowl and toss the salad. Once tossed, spoon onto the bed of Spinach and serve. Makes enough for about 3 people.

Caution: After eating this salad you may pee red.  Brenda claims it’s the beets. Photos courtesy of Kirk Cameron’s gay-ass Baptist church, who have evidently convinced the Lord to help them grow ten-pound beets. Nice.