Posts Tagged ‘bush’

Hi, Hitler.

August 25, 2008

I recently began growing a mustache. No reason really, other than to see what I would look like as a cop, or a seventies porn star.  So without further adue here’s me with a stash.

 Fuck yeah. Evidently God gave me the gift of a semi blond colored beard which contrasts with my hair in a really nice seventies porn star way. My new name is Thomas Woodbluff (Middle name/street where I grew up), purveyor of the Playa Vista porn ring.

I’m also getting a motorcycle and signing up to be a CHIPS officer. I’m gonna grow this thing to stardom.  This mustache could make me the ruler of the earth.

Oh snap, it just did. This is me, ruler of the fascist world giving a speech at a club med convention.

I’m pretty sure Hitler ruined this type of mustache for the history of human kind. It boggles the mind to think that no other person on earth can ever rock this thing again. Except for me motherfuckers, the fascist king of porn.

Brenda!!!! Brenda!!!!! You sleep with me now!!!!

The day I almost saved the world.

August 5, 2008

I recently purchased a Delorean with the hopes of building a time machine, so that I could go back in time and breakup the coital encounter that occured between Barbara Bush and George Bush Sr. sometime in November of 1945. Technically it can’t be considered an assassination, so I think it’s a viable solution to getting rid of Bush Jr. without landing me any real jail time.  I also needed a car to drive to work so it seemed like a pretty convenient solution.

To make the time machine work I needed just a few things. 1. A Delorean 

(Thanks Ebay!)  $22, 567 seemed like a small price to pay to save the free world, and to get a sweet ride with gull-wing doors. So I bought this one straight from a seller in the San Fernando Valley. Hellz yeah. 

2. I needed a flux capacitor (which I learned is just a box with three flashing lights formed into the shape of a Y)  I found some of that clear rope type lighting that they use in weddings and middle school dances which seems to work really well. It even pulses which I think will help with the trajectory of the ions.  

3. A bolt of lightning (Now, I haven’t found one of these yet, but I’m figuring it’ll be easy enough. I can affix one of my steel golf clubs to the roof and just drive around in a rain storm, or if I’m feeling desperate I can always drive down to the Universal Studios Hollywood back lot where the original Back to the Future clock tower still stands. Plus I have a Gold Card there which means I get free admission and can bring a guest. So Brenda can come with me too.

So, here I am with everything ready to go. Delorean? Check. Flux capacitor? Check. Bolt of lightning? Hopefully check. So I get in the car to start her up. I’m ready to save the free world, ready to interrupt Barbara and George in the back seat of a Buick, and ready to go to work if I need to, and then i see this…

What the fuck! This god damn car only does 85 mph. Everyone knows that in order to achieve time travel you have to be able to do at least 88 miles per hour. Now, I’m stuck with this damn thing. Oh, wait, Ebay!

Bumper Sticker

July 24, 2008

It’s been a while since my last post, so, sorry about that. I don’t really appreciate blogs where the blogger has diarrhea of the mouth for weeks on end. I figure if you don’t have anything good to say, then don’t say it at all. 

I was on the 405 freeway the other day and took this picture from inside my truck.

Now, the picture is crappy. I apologize. I took it with my Iphone, which if you have one you know, the camera is a peice of shit. In a way though, I think it helped me capture the essence of being stuck in LA traffic. In a “Falling Down” sort of way.

The person in the vehicle in front of me was a fan of bumper stickers, or as I like to think, personal billboards. Rarely do I read them, but when you’re sitting there on the 405 cursing the assholes around you and wondering why the hell you ever decided to live in such a graveyard of time, there’s not much else to look at. I can’t ever remember remembering a bumper sticker for more than a few mintues, but on the back of this truck there was one that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. It read…

Someone I love, was murdered.

Now, I’m not sure where you get such a sticker, and I’m not sure what it meant, but I’m assuming it meant exactly what it said. But it was very confusing. Most bumper stickers offer an opinion.

Bush is a terrorist. My other car is a F-15. Jesus loves you, but loves me more. 

But this one just stated a simple fact. Someone this person loved was murdered. Maybe it was a mercy plea, or a feel sorry for me sticker, or a sticker in eulogy, but I couldn’t stop thinking, “Where the hell did you find one of those?”

The Red Left

May 28, 2008

 

 

In the wake of the spanking post, which due to demand will now be a monthly installment, I wanted to post a note that I found laying on a sidewalk in Oakland. This note was typed, using an actual typewriter, on the back of a half torn envelope.

With the current state of the “Union”, and I use that term loosely, I’m not sure that Jerry and his anonymous vice president are bad candidates for the upcoming election. 

If Jerry and his writer friend can remove our entire government in one “fail” swoop, while being high on governmentally legalized medical marijuana, I’d be willing to vote for the guys. Shit, I’d give them a parade, or at least a high five. I’m also attracted to party lines due to the diversity of the radiant color wheel. I like color wheels. I like radiance. I like real typewriters. 

VOTE For Jerry.