Posts Tagged ‘blog’

I kicked a dog, and I liked it.

February 24, 2009

The other day, like many other days, Anna my dog brought me to the dog park. She pulled me on the skateboard, which is great because she knows the way, and I don’t have to kick, being that she has four feet that run really well. So we pull up to the dog park and immediately some  reincarnation of Cujo starts barking and snarling at me through the fence, as if I were to be torn apart and then left for dead. “No big deal” I thought. He’s behind the fence. I just won’t go in.

The dog’s owner, that crazy dog lady  who feels it her obligation to rescue every pound puppy on earth comes running up to the gate. Now, there’s a reason some dogs end up in dog jail. It’s because they fucking attack people. It’s because they’re mean as shit, because they were born into an abusive family, were beaten, or are just plain inbred. It’s sad to say, but it’s the damn truth. Not all dogs go to heaven, some are condemned to hell, and that’s just that. 

So this woman takes notice of the situation and says, “He’s a rescue, he doesn’t like skateboards.”

“Well” I ask, “Does he not like skateboards, or does he not like the people who ride skateboards?” “Or both?” “Because he seems pretty pissed off.”

“No, he’s fine. He loves people.” Famous last words.

At this point the woman is holding the dog back like a German police officer who’s about to release the hounds on one of those guys running away in fat suit. And then, that’s exactly what she does. She opens the gate and simply releases the dog which then races towards me and leaps through the air open jawed slashing at my throat. So I pull a Chuck Norris and perform a sort of ghetto looking roundhouse kick which lands squarely on the side of the dog. The dog screams, flying backwards to the ground. I then jump into a Kung Foo stance ready to go ape shit on it’s ass. This probably looked pretty stupid, but I was pretty damn scared, and it’s just what my body naturally did.

“HE’S A RESCUE!!!!!!!” “WHY DID YOU KICK MY DOG, HE’S A RESCUE!!!!”, She screamed and began sobbing.

“I don’t care if that mutt is related to Ghandi” He tried to attack me, and I’m not about to get bit by your stupid ass dog. At this point the dog was cowering, albeit  still growling at me in her arms. And my “Goldendoodle” Anna had long since run through the gate and into the dog park,  happily chasing a tennis ball. So, I began a walk of shame, through the gates, entering the park. I felt bad, sad, shaken, and still freaked out. There were several other dog owners in the park as well as one overly cute little girl in a sun dress. Mostly everyone tried to pretend they’d not seen what had just unfolded, but the tension was palpable. The woman quickly left the park with her dog, sobbing. No one said a word.

Just as I reached the furthest end of the park, the young girl approached me, the only person brave enough to address the situation. She stopped just a couple feet in front of me, and with her fists held down by her side she said, “YOU SHOULDN”T HAVE KICKED A DOG!” She then quickly turned and ran away.

Yep, I was that guy. The guy who kicked a dog. I tried to apologize, explaining that I acted out in fear, but the little girl was already half way across the park, her sun dress flapping in the wind. I threw the ball with Anna for a few minutes and then decided to leave. But of course I had to walk past everyone now once more. And just as I reached the gate to leave, the girl’s mother turned to me and said, “I’d have kicked that mother fucker too.”

Bumper Sticker

July 24, 2008

It’s been a while since my last post, so, sorry about that. I don’t really appreciate blogs where the blogger has diarrhea of the mouth for weeks on end. I figure if you don’t have anything good to say, then don’t say it at all. 

I was on the 405 freeway the other day and took this picture from inside my truck.

Now, the picture is crappy. I apologize. I took it with my Iphone, which if you have one you know, the camera is a peice of shit. In a way though, I think it helped me capture the essence of being stuck in LA traffic. In a “Falling Down” sort of way.

The person in the vehicle in front of me was a fan of bumper stickers, or as I like to think, personal billboards. Rarely do I read them, but when you’re sitting there on the 405 cursing the assholes around you and wondering why the hell you ever decided to live in such a graveyard of time, there’s not much else to look at. I can’t ever remember remembering a bumper sticker for more than a few mintues, but on the back of this truck there was one that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. It read…

Someone I love, was murdered.

Now, I’m not sure where you get such a sticker, and I’m not sure what it meant, but I’m assuming it meant exactly what it said. But it was very confusing. Most bumper stickers offer an opinion.

Bush is a terrorist. My other car is a F-15. Jesus loves you, but loves me more. 

But this one just stated a simple fact. Someone this person loved was murdered. Maybe it was a mercy plea, or a feel sorry for me sticker, or a sticker in eulogy, but I couldn’t stop thinking, “Where the hell did you find one of those?”

Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.

July 6, 2008

With the 4th of July weekend coming to a close I thought it would be fun to increase the unproductivity of America by offering up a fun and simple prank that I pulled a lot at my old job.

Go to work tomorrow and find a co-worker who you’d like to fuck with. That shouldn’t be hard. Now wait until they go to lunch or are away from their computer and have a seat at their desk. Take a screen capture of their desktop (Command, Shift, and the number 4 at the same time for Apple computers, print screen button for PCs) Now, place that screen capture of the desktop into a folder some place deep in their hard drive or in their photos folder etc. Next, take all the files from their desktop and move them into a file on your office’s server, or you can simply move them into some new remote file that you’ve created someplace on their hard drive that only you know where to locate. Title the folder “Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays” or something fucked up like that.

 Now set the screen capture of the desktop (that you took earlier) as their desktop background. This will make everything look exactly as it was, but now none of their desktop will actually be there. (It’s just a photo of what it was)

Wait for the person to return and then watch them have a complete meltdown when they try to click on their destop files with no avail. Watch them reboot their computer countless times. Enjoy them cursing God and the IT department. Hear them bitching out Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and all that is corporate fucking America.

To finish the prank simply walk up to their cube, raise a coffee mug and say, “Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”

Good times guaranteed. 

Please let me know how it turns out.

Note Bene: This can all be done it about two minutes. Just think about the steps before you sit down.

A comment!

June 4, 2008

At 10:16 this morning, my Iphone signaled that I had a new email. That email alerted me to a comment someone had made about my recent Romania post. My first real comment from a stranger. Who was it? What did they want to say? Are people out there really reading this stuff I write? Evidently. So here it is, my first real comment!

(click to enlarge)

Evidently from a Communist Romanian IT worker (at Sogotech) who’s trying to quit smoking and doesn’t care for pizza, but loves to turn a trick. And maybe really enjoys potatoes. Who would have thought? I’ve crossed the globe here people. First, 100 views in a day, now I’m blowing up in Romanian blog circles. I’m gonna be famous bitches.

The only thing that I think could have been misconstrued from my writing was the “200 year” reference being close to the word Communism. Romania was under Communist rule from 1917 until 1989 when my buddy Hasselhoff sang his hit song “Looking for Freedom” atop the Berlin wall wearing his pulsing LED pleather jacket. That’s only 42 years of potatoes. Not 200. Sorry.

But since that post generated a comment, I’m going to stick with Laura’s advice and continue with my usual gay shit. Seems to work for her.