I’m allergic to nuts, shellfish, bananas and honey. It’s been this way since I was two years old. These allergies are not the worst thing to be born with, better than having a short leg or a siamese twin, but it’s pretty shameful being that I’m Cajun, and that Cajuns are known for being champion shellfish eaters.
Nuts make me throw up. It usually takes about twenty minutes after eating any sized portion of any nut for my projectile vomiting to begin. Almonds, cashews and pistachios are the worst. But I can eat peanuts, due to the fact that the peanut is actually a bean. Not many people know this fact, being that it’s a legume with the word “nut” in it’s name. Honey makes my throat itch like crazy, as do bananas.
Eating shellfish will kill me, so I try and avoid eating the Red Lobster buffet. I can physically handle crawfish and crabs, but shrimp make my hands itch. I’ve also found that I can eat corn and potatoes that have been boiled with crawfish. None of this makes any sense to me and no doctor has ever been able to explain any of it.
Today I decided to test my allergic limits once again, by eating a Bit-O-Honey. Immediately after eating the Bit-O-Honey I went to Wikipedia and found the following.
Bit-O-Honey first appeared in 1924 and was made by the Schutter-Johnson Company of Chicago,Illinois, United States. The candy consists of almond bits embedded in a honey-flavored taffy which makes for a long-chewing candy.
Fuck. Those Bastards. It should be called Bit-O-Almond and Honey. So I cursed myself for being stupid enough to eat something called Bit-O-Honey, but my thinking was that it was just a bit of honey. No one said anything about almonds. So now that I know it contains almonds, I’m waiting to barf. Ten minutes, nothing. Fifteen, nothing. No metallic taste in my mouth that signals something bad is about to happen. An hour, nothing. So I ate another Bit-O-Honey. And nothing happened.
Which leads me to the conclusion that I can eat Bit O Honey because it probably doesn’t contain jack. Almonds are expensive, honey is expensive, sugar and artificail flavorings are cheap.
Shit, my throat just started to itch.
Tags: advertising, allergies, almonds, awesome, barf, candy, dessert, die, friday, honey, lobster, potato, shellfish, shock, shrimp, sweet, vomit
